


I'll take 'Shut up' for 100, Alex

by EvenSpeedWeedisAfraid



Series: Hell's Yarns [8]
Category: Far Cry (Video Games), Far Cry 3, Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), House of 1000 Corpses (Movies)
Genre: Banter, Buck is horny on main, Cannibalism, Dark Comedy, Gen, Mentioned Valentino (Hazbin Hotel), Otis doesn't wanna hear it, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:08:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28743768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvenSpeedWeedisAfraid/pseuds/EvenSpeedWeedisAfraid
Summary: Two demons with a taste for flesh go eat together.One of them really ain't having the other's fuckery today, but the universe seemingly conspires to make it worse.
Relationships: Otis B. Driftwood (House of 1000 Corpses) & Bambi "Buck" Hughes
Series: Hell's Yarns [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2058714
Kudos: 1





	I'll take 'Shut up' for 100, Alex

Sometimes, Goatskin seriously regrets even entertaining the idea of spending time with Buckshock. That Aussie bastard of a stag always gets on his nerves, and has a downright uncanny tendency to just _show up_ in places where the redneck serial killer is at any given time - up to and including _his own goddamn bedroom._   
Nonetheless, he was feeling somewhat charitable today, so he went to pick him up for a friendly dinner-time. Not that it stops Buckshock from making jokes about it.

"C'mon mate, you coulda just asked me out if a date's what ya wanted." God, he has such a punchable face.  
"You're making a fantastic fuckin' argument for just kicking you right out of the car, pal. Just... fuckin' booting you to the curb." Blowing some air out of his nostrils (and fluttering through his copious beard in doing so), the goat tried to ignore the rest of his acquaintance's remarks as they drove down to Cannibal Colony.  
Buckshock might be goddamn annoying, but the Aussie did share _some_ interests with the demon once known as Otis B. Driftwood. Namely, the taste for human flesh!

Something both of them had noticed was how... old-timey the general feel of the Colony is. Goatskin did have faint memories of things that looked like this, but Buckshock was younger than him, so he had no real reference for this. Next to all these Ford Model A-looking cars, the distinctly 70s convertible that they were driving stood out like a sore thumb. Regardless, they parked it next to the Liver Eater - not a subtle name for a cannibal restaurant, but who needs subtlety in Hell?  
Breathing in, the goat turned to look at the stag with a raised eyebrow. "Honestly, you couldn't make a fuckin' effort to dress nice for this? Just gonna walk in dressed all Casual Friday like that?"  
Buckshock didn't seem to think this was a big deal, considering his shrug. "These're the only fuckin' clothes I got, wanker! 'sides, Hawaiian shirts look nice on me." He then proceeded to adjust said shirt, while still leaving it wide open - showing his chest to anybody who may look his way.

"You'd think working for that Valentino fucker would get you more money than that..." With that statement, both men left the car and headed inside.

\---

Waiting for the food to arrive wasn't usually a problem - but when Buckshock is around, problems just pop out of the woodwork. That fucker just did _not_ stop talking.  
"Right, so. Y'know how I work for Valentino, yeah? C'mon now, bloody answer when I speak to ya! 'I know, Mr. Buck, yes', not that bloody hard! Anyway, I get him new people to put on the streets, and I get to sample the merch myself. 'Course, you know how I like _my_ catches, hm?"  
"I really fucking wish I didn't, but unfortunately I do." Making a point to not maintain eye-sight with the Australian.  
"So he's got his big fuckin' star, Angel Dust - took him for a ride once, fuckin' _great_ stuff that - but anyways, Angel Dust's dodging him and the Studio lately."  
"Gee, I wonder why." Goatskin was just desperately hoping for the other to shut up, but naturally it won't happen.

"We do a lil' diggin', and it turns out he's livin' in that fuckin' Hotel that the bloody Princess is runnin'! And get this, she's gettin' help from _Alastor_ of all fuckin' demons!"  
That... caught the other's attention. "Alastor? You're dicking around with me, no fucking way."  
"Mate, you better watch what ya say." Buckshock couldn't hold back a guffaw at the look of frustration on the goat's face. "Regardless, yeah, Alastor! By the way, you have _no_ idea how much I think about that red bastard. He's in me dreams, he is."  
"Christ, don't tell me you have wet dreams about the fuckin' Radio Demon..."

"Ah ah ah! Very clever there, very astute. You've got eyes too, so I know you've seen him walkin' down the street every now and again 'round these parts... he's got a nice lil' doe's arse-"  
"Oh my _god_ shut the fuck up _please._ " Thankfully, the food came by moments later, saving Driftwood from further awkward words.  
The body parts were pretty tasty, but as is tradition, things got a bit worse as they ate.

"Hello there, gentlemen! I've no memory of seeing you two around here before." The static-filled voice itself was a dead giveaway, but Goatskin looked up to see that it was indeed Alastor speaking to them. "Of course, I'm sure you know who _I_ am, so no need for introductions on my part." A pause, as if to say 'you may speak now'.  
"Um... I'm Goatskin, which, I know, not really creative. Fuckin' sue me." The goat shrugged, going to pick up one of the hands on his plate.  
Naturally, Buckshock stepped in to make shit bad. "'Ello. Name's Buckshock, but most just take to callin' me Buck. Nice seein' ya, Al." His tone was low, almost as if he were trying to put the moves on the Overlord. God, he was trying to be slick but Goatskin noticed how the stag's blue eyes were checking the deer out.

"Ah yes, I've heard talk of you, Buck! Made quite a name for yourself, haven't you?" Bafflingly, Alastor decided to pull himself a chair and sit at the table.  
"Eh, what can I say. I'm good at what I do, and I get paid good for it. Makes sense, right?" He shrugged, before calmly nibbling on a severed finger.  
"It does indeed, my friend! Now, not to accuse you of any misgivings, but you _were_ having a case of wandering eyes when I walked by. Is something the matter?"

Buckshock smirked, wiggling an eyebrow. "Your arse is the matter, that's what. You're proper cute, if ya don't mind me sayin' so."  
Alastor was briefly given pause, struggling to find words before deciding to simply let him down easy. "I'm afraid I'm not interested in such things."  
Goatskin was getting pretty annoyed by this point, so he held up the severed hand he wanted to eat before speaking up. "If you two don't fuckin' get a room or some shit, I'm gonna _stab this fucking hand down on my damn horn!_ "

The stag was more amused than anything. "Aw, what's the matter, graverobba'? Lemme guess, can't get it up if the other's breathin'?" Just to make this even worse for Driftwood, both Buckshock _and_ Alastor launched into laughter at that.  
"Ah, you're quite the funny fellow, Buck! Regrettably, I have to take my leave now. Hopefully we'll meet again, men!" With that, the Radio Demon stepped away, vanishing from the restaurant.

\---

Minutes later, Goatskin payed for the food despite not having finished, and dragged Buckshock out with him.  
"Ooh, didn't think you were gettin' randy on me-" Before he could finish, the goat shushed him.  
"If you don't shut your hole, I'm gonna commit a goddamn hate crime right here."

He says that, but he's still planning on spending some time with him later in the week. It just be like that.

**Author's Note:**

> Next yarn's going to be Alastor-centric.  
> Be prepared, because it's gonna get messy!
> 
> Also, I had to allow myself a "Repo! The Genetic Opera" reference somewhere, since Bill Moseley (Otis' actor) was in that movie.


End file.
